TV
DL
Spell: Hi, and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? On tonight’s show –
How many licks does it take
‘til you get to the center of – JW!
I’m a genie in a Ryan_Dreamer!
The real Slim Improv_God201!
And I want your sex – CarpetAppGrl!
(CarpetAppGrl makes an innocent face to the camera.)
Spell: Hi, I’m your host, Spell! Come on down, let’s have
some fun!
(Spell goes to desk. Improv_God201 claps.)
Spell: Hi, and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?,
the show where everything’s made up and the points are useless ... just like
having Julian Clary in the audience ... Julian Clary, everyone!
(Spell claps. Julian Clary is shown by camera. He stands, nods, and sits. No one in the audience does anything.)
Spell: So, anyway, let’s begin with a rousing game of ... Hollywood
Director. This game will feature CarpetAppGrl as a crazy director directing
the other three.
CarpetAppGrl: I’m playing against type here, you realize.
Spell: Your scene is – Ryan_Dreamer and Improv_God201 are
two teenage vandals caught by cop JW. So whenever you’re ready, begin.
(Improv_God201 pulls out a can of spray paint.)
Improv_God201: Let's tag this wall just
because we're teenage and vandals!
Ryan_Dreamer: (laughing evilly) Hey, you missed
a spot!
(JW walks in.)
Improv_God201: Oh! The cops! (He hides the can.)
Ryan_Dreamer: (whispering) Quick! Spray your
hair!
JW: What are you two doing?
Improv_God201: Nothing, officer! Just ...
deodorizing! (He takes out the can
and sprays his armpits.)
JW: Yeah right ... (He draws his gun.)
CarpetAppGrl: CUT, CUT, CUT!!!!
Improv_God201: I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m playing
against type here.
CarpetAppGrl: “Yeah right”? “YEAH RIGHT”? Yeah, right!
What kind of cop talks like that?!
JW: Uh, Sipowicz talks like that.
CarpetAppGrl: And YOU TWO! You're acting more like
you've been SNIFFING those aerosol cans!
Ryan_Dreamer: We have been.
Improv_God201: You mean we weren’t supposed to?
Ryan_Dreamer: I thought that was in the director’s
notes.
CarpetAppGrl: If that’s Sipowicz, then this must be
“NYPD CRAP”! I think you vandals need to act more ... youthful. Do it more like
... a kindergarten nativity play. We’ll release the film around Christmas!
ACTION! (She stomps off.)
Improv_God201: Uh, well, uh, hi Mom! Uh, well, let’s uh
... (He sprays Ryan_Dreamer.) OOPS!
Ryan_Dreamer: Mommy!!
(Improv_God201 laughs. JW walks on stage and quickly runs off. Improv_God201 turns around to the scenery wall which is “falling down.”)
Improv_God201: Uh oh! AAAHH!
(Ryan_Dreamer burps.)
Improv_God201: Teacher! Help me!
CarpetAppGrl:
CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Improv_God201: I don’t think that worked, ma’am.
CarpetAppGrl: That was so natural for you folks, it
scared the snot out of me. I didn't realize you could PLAY more incompetent
than you actually are ...
(Ryan_Dreamer burps.)
CarpetAppGrl: What do we say after we burp?
Ryan_Dreamer: Tony did it?
(JW drops his gun and laughs. Improv_God201 chuckles.
CarpetAppGrl sighs.)
Ryan_Dreamer: Well, ask a stupid question – never mind.
CarpetAppGrl: You know, I think we need a different structure.
Let's try ... anime. C'mon, I know you watch this stuff! Admit it! ... and
sniff more paint, maybe that will help. ACTION!
(Improv_God201 takes out the can and sprays the wall.)
Improv_God201: (mouth moves up and down) I hope the cops
don’t catch us! Then I’d have to sic my Pikachu on them!
(Ryan_Dreamer, not knowing what to do, burps again. JW enters the scene and mimes the
screen splitting into two.)
JW: It’s Goku and Gohan ... take this! (He shoots
his gun at them.)
(Improv_God201 sees JW and starts to sweat from his hat
like anime cartoon characters. JW jumps and hovers in midair. Improv_God201
joins JW.)
CarpetAppGrl: CUT!
(Improv_God201 is still stuck in the air. The audience laughs.)
CarpetAppGrl: You can come down now. How the hell do you DO that?
It freaks me out ...
Improv_God201: It’s a hidden talent. Something to do with my pants.
CarpetAppGrl: (taking out paper) Well, SPEAKING of pants, I need a little more feeling from you people.
A lot more of a certain ... (winks)
feeling, if you know what I mean.
Improv_God201: Like last night, when you helped me with my lines? (He
smiles at CAG.)
CarpetAppGrl: I wanna see some LUST out there. Lots of – DON’T
EVER TALK ABOUT THAT! (She
fumes.)
JW: Was that the time my gun accidentally went off?
CarpetAppGrl: OH, heck with it. Cheer me
up. Make me want you. ACTION! (She
storms off.)
Improv_God201: (taking
out can) You know, I don’t
wanna just paint with this can ...
(He begins to spray Ryan_Dreamer.)
Ryan_Dreamer: I have 3,269 uses for that can. Oh, do it again!
(JW enters.)
Improv_God201: You look sexier with that paint on you. Thinner, too!
(Ryan_Dreamer gets insulted.)
JW: Backs to the wall and spread ‘em.
Improv_God201: It’s the police! I hope his gun isn’t
<bleep>ed! (He gets against the wall and rubs it.)
BUZZ!
(JW shoots his gun prematurely.)
Improv_God201: How far do you want them spread?
Ryan_Dreamer: They are already spread ...
BUZZ! BUZZ!
BUZZ! BUZZ!
(The crowd cheers. The improvisers sit down.)
Spell: 3,269 points for Ryan_Dreamer.
(Ryan_Dreamer laughs.)
------------------------
Spell: So anyway, let’s move on to a game called Doo-Wop. This is for JW on lead, with Improv and Carpet
also. I need someone in the
audience to shout out their name.
Audience: Julian! Heather!
Spell: Okay, then, Julian
... And what's a boring, mundane
topic, er, hobby?
Audience: Orgies!
Spell: No.
Audience: Cooking!
Spell: So, a song about Julian,
who died in a freak cooking accident.
Whenever you're ready, Laura Hall, Linda Taylor, and Cece Worral-Rubin
...
JW: One, two, three ...
Well Julian, I just heard
that he died. (He died!)
He fell into some cooking
oil and now he is fried. (He fried!)
This is so tragic, I just
don't get the point. (So tragic!)
It's a shame the only place
that would hire him was a fast food joint. (Fast food!)
All three: Oooooo ...
Julian, why'd you go?
Why'd you have to cook so
slow?
Improv_God201: If you
hadn't been so slender! (Oh so slender ...)
You wouldn't have tripped
into that blender!
CarpetAppGrl: No no noooooo ...
Improv_God201: Ooohhh! Ooooo ... No, no,
nooo, not that blender!
JW: Ooooo, that blender
Oh, I'll remember him forever,
until the day I die ...
I'll always be thinking of
him, whenever I deep fry-y-yyyy ...
I still so want to be with
him, the thought just makes me cry ...
But with all that oil he
still -- goes -- straight to my thigh-igh-ighssssss ...
(JW and Improv_God201 harmonize to the last line.)
CarpetAppGrl:
Whoa whoa whoa whoooooooooooo-ooooooooooooooo.
Well now Julian's dead I
feeling so sad ... (Julian’s dead!)
His relatives gave me the
remains in a plastic bag ... (A plastic ba -- aa -- ag ...)
Now let’s all remember him
as he goes up to God ... (Whoa, to God!)
(CarpetAppGrl goes into a praying stance.)
Now watch me feed his body
to my dog ...
Ooooooooh – hhhhhhh, my
doggggggg......
Improv_God201: (harmonizing) M-Y-Y-Y-Y
DO -- OO -- OGG!
CarpetAppGrl: Bow wow wowwwwwwwwwwww ....
(Improv_God201 howls like a coyote.)
BUZZ
(The audience cheers wildly.)
Spell: That was simply amazing! 3000 points and leftovers
from Julian’s body for each of you.
CarpetAppGrl: I need a brain scrubber ...
Spell: We’ll be back with more Whose Line Is It
Anyway? after this! Don’t ... go ... anywhere!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Spell: Welcome back to Whose Line. Let’s move on to a game
called Newsflash. Ryan_Dreamer and JW are two anchors in the studio, and
CarpetAppGrl is the reporter in front of the green screen. No matter what she
does, she can't see anything.
(CarpetAppGrl turns to the screen, puts her
hands on her hips and shakes her head.)
Spell: But the rest of us can see
it, and the two reporters will try to give her clues.
(The scene is seen by the audience and the
improvisers. Everyone bursts out laughing. The
image.)
Spell: Are you ready?
JW: Yep.
(CarpetAppGrl sighs.)
Spell: Good luck, and go.
(Ryan_Dreamer whispers sweet nothings into
JW's ear.)
JW: So do you really dream of
Ryan? Oops, we interrupt this
story with a breaking report. CAG, are you there?
CarpetAppGrl: I'm always on the scene,
JW! (She smiles cheesily.)
JW: So what caused all this?
CarpetAppGrl: Well, I've been
interviewing some of the area residents, and while some of them say it was Mrs.
Arnold's tuna casserole, others attribute it to alien X-rays. (She gestures
behind you.) Frankly, I think it was snakes. But what do I know? I don't
write the news, I just report it ...
Ryan_Dreamer: So did he get away with it?
CarpetAppGrl: Well, of course police are
investigating ... but as you can see, there was underwear and mint jelly
everywhere, so there is plenty of evidence.
(Ryan_Dreamer sighs.)
JW: I heard he was from one of
the local colonies, can you confirm this?
(Spell chuckles.)
CarpetAppGrl: Local colonies. Yes, I
believe that was the case – (She turns to screen and holds out microphone.)
Pardon me, chief, but could you ... ? -- but no one's talking except the
locals, as you can see. Damned officials. Oops, did I say that on air?
Ryan_Dreamer: Magic, may I just say real
quick that you look great in green?
CarpetAppGrl: Oh, gee, well ... (She
blushes.) ... actually, this isn't a green outfit; I just fell in some of
the jelly.
(Spell tries to stifle his laughter.)
JW: Earlier reports seem to
indicate a Tiger was involved in some way, any truth to this statement?
CarpetAppGrl: No, actually, that is a
misunderstanding -- he was a great big fan of <bleep>, not a fan of great
big -- oops, did I say THAT on the air? Oy, I've been out here too long ...
Ryan_Dreamer: Yeah, you have... Another
question: Was everyone as teed off as they look?
CarpetAppGrl: Actually, I think they
were just frustrated because they couldn't putter around as much as they used
to. Well, with the crime scene roped off and covered in jelly, you know ...
JW: I have a feeling he will
be the butt of jokes for weeks to come.
CarpetAppGrl: After leaving his undies
behind, I'm sure he will.
Spell: Any guesses, Carpet?
CarpetAppGrl: Well, it's got something
to do with the US Open, or whatever golf match they give away green jackets at,
but beyond that, you've lost me.
(The audience laughs.)
Spell: You were on the right
track with your last statement ... Just don’t make an ass of yourself.
CarpetAppGrl: OK, Tiger Woods mooned someone
at the US Open! And he was covered with an ant colony!
Spell: Close enough ... (He
shows CarpetAppGrl the image.)
(The audience applauds CarpetAppGrl’s effort.)
(CarpetAppGrl wanders over to the monitor to
see.)
CarpetAppGrl: Oh, geez! (She
chuckles.) I wonder whether he had a 9-iron?
(The audience, Spell, and the improvisers
laugh.)
CarpetAppGrl: Well, a 3-wood wouldn't do
much good, and ... (She shakes her head and sits down.)
------------------------
Spell: Let's move on to a game
called Narrate. This is for CarpetAppGrl and JW. These two are going to
act out a film noir scene for you.
(CarpetAppGrl and JW go to the stage.)
Spell: So what I need from the
audience is an unlikely setting for a film noir scene.
Audience: Cattle ranch! Roller
coaster! Baby shower!
Spell: Okay, it's a film noir
scene on a cattle ranch ... take it away.
(Mellow piano music begins to play.
CarpetAppGrl clears her throat.)
CarpetAppGrl: I'd been branding cattle
all day – (thrusts a branding iron forward and makes a sizzling sound)
JW: She had been branding
cattle all day ... Is there an echo in here?
CarpetAppGrl: ... It was hot, sweaty work, but someone had to do
it. Pity the only lady at the ranch was the only one man enough for the job.
And then ... I got company. (She thrusts the brand and hisses again.)
JW: I arrived at the ranch
looking for work.
JW: Got any work?
(CarpetAppGrl looks up from branding another
cow. JW walks up to CarpetAppGrl.)
CarpetAppGrl: Yeah ... I got work ...
who might you be, cowpoke? (She thrusts and hisses.)
JW: She intrigued me. I was a
cowboy, but not just any cowboy.
JW: Yeah, I'm a cowpoke.
CarpetAppGrl: Yeah, you look like one
with that hat and those spurs ... but ... how good are you? (She stares.)
JW: She looked at me with cold
eyes. I was scared.
JW: Pretty good.
CarpetAppGrl: I was suspicious.
"Cowpoke" was just one of those terms they used in corny westerns. Who
was this guy, a refugee from a dude ranch? I decided to try him out.
CarpetAppGrl: Here ... take this. (She
hands JW an iron.)
JW: Ouch, that hurt.
CarpetAppGrl: Oops ...
JW: I was just toying with
her. The iron didn't really hurt, well maybe just a little.
JW: Watch what you're doing
with that thing.
CarpetAppGrl: Sorry about that. Those
chaps you're wearing, they ... confused me for a moment.
(JW shows off his chaps.)
CarpetAppGrl: He was a cool one, he was.
I like to do that trick with all the applicants. Make sure they can take the
pain.
CarpetAppGrl: You see that bull over
there? (She points.)
JW: I saw that she took great
pride in putting me through painful tests.
JW: I'm just going to 'steer'
clear of that one if you don't mind?
CarpetAppGrl: I think you just need to
take the bull by the horns, “cowpoke.” (She makes threatening motions with
the branding iron.)
CarpetAppGrl: I saw the look in the
bull's eyes. It made me nervous. I could see that bull and this ...
"cowpoke" ... had locked horns before. But where? And why? I had to
find out.
CarpetAppGrl: What's the problem? You
don't seem to be so ... tall in the saddle, if you know what I mean.
JW: I had raised that bull
from childhood but it was taken away from me in hostile corporate takeover.
JW: I believe that is my bull
... his name is Jake. (He
motions to the bull.)
CarpetAppGrl: Ah-HA! (She brandishes
iron.) I knew it. You're just here to rustle my cattle ... and he's
in on it, isn't he? What makes you think you're going to get away with it?
JW: I had no idea what she was
talking about, I just wanted my bull back.
JW: Look lady, I ain't taking
no bull from you. Speaking of bull, can I have him back?
CarpetAppGrl: Oh, right. Sure. (She
looks disinterested and resumes branding.)
CarpetAppGrl: Apparently, I was sorely
mistaken.
Spell: Great game ... 1000 points
and a brand-new cattle prod to each of you.
------------------------
Spell: So, now I have a game for
all four of you ... it's called Scenes from a Hat. So, for all four of
them ...
(The four step down.)
Spell:
I'll pick random scenes out of my hat, and let's see how many they can do ...
Starting with ... What George
W. Bush does off-camera.
Improv_God201: I'm not a idjamut!
BUZZ!
Ryan_Dreamer: Man, that Cheney....
BUZZ!
CarpetAppGrl: Here (hiccup), have
another, Jenna ...
BUZZ!
Ryan_Dreamer: Why can't I have an ugly
intern?
BUZZ!
Ryan_Dreamer: Let’s watch Teletinkies!
Or whatever they are ...
(Improv_God201 laughs ... nice Bushism.)
BUZZ!
(CarpetAppGrl steps out, then breaks up
laughing and steps back.)
BUZZ!
Improv_God201: Oh, here in England we say
"tomahto" and Yanks say "tomayto!"
BUZZ!
Spell: Next: What Spell is
thinking right now.
CarpetAppGrl: Why can't I have an ugly
intern?
BUZZ!
JW: Oh man, that JW guy cracks
me up so bad.
BUZZ!
Ryan_Dreamer: What IS Kristen wearing
under that robe?
BUZZ!
JW: Screw you. I love Dubya!
BUZZ!
Spell: Okay ... Things you
should never say while drunk
CarpetAppGrl: Here (hiccup) have
another, Jenna ...
BUZZ!
JW: I love Dubya ...
BUZZ!
CarpetAppGrl: Spell, I LOVE you ... (She
staggers over to desk and collapses.)
BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!
Spell: Let's end on that wonderful note from CAG ... we'll
find out who the winner is in just a moment! Don't go away!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Spell: Welcome back to Whose
Line Is It Anyway?! Tonight, Improv_God201 is your winner! Improv_God201,
everybody!
(The audience cheers.)
Spell: So the rest of us will be
punished with a Hoedown!
Spell: And I need from the
audience a group of people you hate.
Audience: Clowns! Perfume
salespeople! Telesales people!
Spell: The Clown Hoedown! Laura
Hall, take it away!
I like clowns don't you
know I do.
They wear silly hats and
really funny shoes.
When I'm at the circus I'll
always bother some.
But of course the biggest clown of all is that Pat Robertson!
(JW
dances.)
Clowns are not that good; clowns
are not that funny
No wonder that they never
earn too much money
But I'm a trapeze artist;
the air I fly through
And on the trapeze, I'm
well-hung; I store it in a clown's shoe
(Spell shrugs.)
I hate the circus, and I
hate clowns
I hate them as much as
these damn hoedowns ...
Well, I am used to it, so I
shouldn't grouse ...
I grew up next door to
George W. Bush's house!
Spell: Woo!
(The audience laughs.)
When I was just a little
kid, I aimed to be a clown ...
I always went to see them
when the circus came to town ...
When they came out of the
car, that was really neat ...
But I have had more men
than that in MY back seat!
All: In my back
seeeeeeeeeeattttttt ...
(CarpetAppGrl shakes her head and covers her
face with her hands while harmonizing.)
Spell: We'll be right back with
more Whose Line right after this!
Spell: Hi, thanks for
watching. Tonight, CarpetAppGrl's
going to read the credits as a ditzy teenage girl. Thanks for watching! Good night!
(Improv_God201 claps.)
CarpetAppGrl: Like, ohmigod! How'd they get all those names on that little screen? (She
peers into the monitor.) I'd
wear my glasses so I could see them, but that is, like, soo geeky ...
(She giggles.) Anyway ... so,
like, I was in the girl's bathroom at school? And I saw Ryan_Dreamer in there?
And she was, like, ohmigod! And I
go, “What?” And she said, "Like, there's Spell!" He had, like, gone in the wrong door or
something ... and then Improv_God came in and, like, kicked his ass ... And then there was this graffiti? Like,
someone wrote that I liked JW? Like, gross me out! I don't know where they get those ideas -- oops, there's the
bell, if I don't get to class, Dan Patterson is going to be, like, so pissed
off ... (She runs offstage.)
Any similarities to any person, living or dead, is purely
coincidental. All opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the
IdiotSite, the American Spellevision Network, or any web sites or organizations
in which the performers are a part. Format of Whose Line Is It Anyway? used
with apologies and without permission.
All rights reserved.
©2002 Stephen Healey. PC: 296811-102
