Spell: Good evening, and welcome
to Whose Line Is It Anyway?! On tonight's show --
Only YOU can prevent forest
fires -- Yakko!
(Yakko waves.)
Let's go out to the
kitchen, and get ourselves a TLe1792553!
The few ... the proud ...
the Improv_God201!
(Improv_God201 tries to move out of the way
of the camera.)
And mama mia! That's a
spicy CarpetAppGrl!
(CarpetAppGrl files her nails.)
Spell: And I'm Spell, your host!
Come on down, let's have some fun!
(Improv_God201 claps as Spell runs to his
desk.)
Spell: Hi, and welcome to Whose
Line Is It Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points are
useless ... That's right, the points are just like my opening monologue.
(The performers nod.)
Yakko: It’s so true.
Spell: And what'll happen is
these guys are going to make up everything you see, right off the top of their
heads ...
Improv_God201: (to Spell) It's
getting so you don't have to be here at all!
Spell: And after every game I
give them points ... ha, ha, ha, Improv_God201. Good luck finding a new job.
Improv_God201: Ha, ha, ha ... Spell ... (under
his breath) Good luck finding your wallet ...
Spell: But, anyway, at the end of
the show I'll pick a winner, who gets to do something special with me ...
(CarpetAppGrl crosses her fingers.)
Yakko: what's the big deal? I already
do special things with you!
CarpetAppGrl: You too?
Spell: Anyway ... and the loser
won't be TLe, Yakko, or CAG, I can tell you that!
------------------------
Spell: So, let's start off with
CarpetAppGrl's favorite game ...
CarpetAppGrl: Uh, oh ...
Spell: Blind Date! In this
one, Yakko and Improv_God201 are celebrity daters. CarpetAppGrl and TLe will be
announcing the date, like a few popular syndicated shows. Can I have a celebrity
for Yakko to be? How about Improv_God201?
Audience: (a bunch of
suggestions)
Spell: Okay ... Yakko is Cher,
and Improv_God201 is Ray Charles ... uh oh.
(Improv_God201 shakes his head.)
Spell: And whenever our
commentators are ready, start the date.
(The two look at each other and talk.
TLe1792553 looks at camera.)
TLe1792553: Tonight we have two
celebs... Ray and Cher out on a date. Let’s see how it starts out ...
CarpetAppGrl: I'm sure they will make
beautiful music together,
(Improv_God201 stumbles to the door and rings
the doorbell.)
Improv_God201: Cher? Baby? Let's hurry!
(Yakko opens the door.)
Yakko: Hey babe, it's about time
you got here.
Improv_God201: Cher? Where are ya? I
can't see ya!
Yakko: Hurry? What are you, speed
racer?
Improv_God201: I just wanna get to the
club before my set starts!
Yakko: Yeah yeah, move over
little man.
(Improv_God201 reaches for Yakko but can't
find her.)
Improv_God201: Who you callin' little
girl?
(Yakko leads him to the car.)
Improv_God201: Just wait ‘til I find you
... oh there you are.
Yakko: Babe, I call anyone
whatever I want to. Because I got a guest shot on Scooby Doo.
(TLe1792553 stops date on tape.)
CarpetAppGrl: Let's pause the tape here
... that hair, now that's a very dangerous weapon, isn't it?
TLe1792553: Yes I agree. She really
needs to get a handle on that.
CarpetAppGrl: Indeed. I have a feeling
it could spell trouble before the night is through ...
TLe1792553: Is that its natural color?
(TLe1792553 points with the date stick at the
hair color. CarpetAppGrl snorts.)
CarpetAppGrl: Well, everything else
about her has been redone, why not that?
TLe1792553: I only hope she is going to
drive. If he does it could be interesting. Shall we start the tape again?
CarpetAppGrl: Now, he mentioned having a
set tonight ... let's fast-forward and see just how that performance will
interfere with his perform-- er, the date ...
(TLe1792553 watches the screen.)
Improv_God201: (singing and playing
piano) And that's ... the story of my ... life! Oh yeah baby!
(Yakko leans against the piano. Improv_God201
leans over towards Yakko's general direction.)
Improv_God201: How'd ya like it, baby?
Yakko: That's not bad, babe, but
my blind grandmother could play better than you. Oh, you are blind.
Well, never mind then. (She flips her hair.)
Yakko: But your lyrics don't
confuse people the way mine do. I believe in love after love.
Improv_God201: You know, Scooby Doo
is Scooby Done, and I wanna have nothin’ to do with that show. Let me tell ya
that right now girl! Let me feel your hair, girl?
Yakko: Better than playing for
Pepsi commercials. I mean, “uh-huh uh huh” ...
Improv_God201: What color is it?
Yakko: What were you thinking?
Improv_God201: Why don't you answer my
questions, girl?
TLe1792553: See, even she can’t remember what
color her hair is supposed to be.
(Improv_God201 and Yakko think that
TLe1792553 had rewound.)
Improv_God201: Let's go somewhere else,
girl.
Yakko: Better than playing for
Pepsi commercials. I mean, “uh-huh uh huh” ...
Improv_God201: What color is it?
Yakko: What were you thinking?
Improv_God201: Why don't you answer my
questions girl? Did you just get deja vu?
I didn't see that one comin’! (He laughs deeply.) Heh, heh, heh
...
Yakko: Listen, babe, I have no
gray and that's the important part. ... What kind of laugh is that?
Improv_God201: You sure? Is that natural?
I mean, I can't see, but this dye is comin’ off all over my hands, girl! (He
wipes his hands on a napkin.)
Yakko: Sounds like that Beavis
and Butthead video I did for MTV. ... I'm Ultrese #432 for your information
bucko!
Improv_God201: Well, I can be Beavis and
you ARE a butthead, because that's probably the color of your hair!
(TLe1792553 stops tape.)
CarpetAppGrl: Now, disclosing your hair
color ... that is a DEFINITE faux pas ... it's not like he'd be able to tell,
unless the texture was affected. And we all know how that goes.
(TLe1792553 circles Rays hands covered in dye
with the date stick.)
TLe1792553: All I have to say is ewww!
CarpetAppGrl: I wonder how that mess
will affect their, um, final moments (She waggles eyebrows.)
TLe1792553: Lets see, shall we.
Improv_God201: Well, I had a great time
tonight, but that was earlier before I picked you up girl.
(Yakko stands at the doorway.)
Improv_God201: Hope I never see ya again!
Hope I never saw ya now! Wait, I can't see! (He laughs deeply again.)
Yakko: It's a good thing I wore
this incredibly revealing outfit that I wore for the boys overseas ... ‘cause
you didn't get a peek at all!
Improv_God201: Don't be dissin’ a blind
man, girl! Good night!
Yakko: Well don't come any
closer. I don't wanna have to pull your nose from my cleavage.
Improv_God201: If you go in right now,
I'll never know which way you went! Just, before you go, turn me in the
direction of my car. (He smiles at the irony of that statement.) Well,
they have Braille at the drive-up ATMs at the bank; that must mean blind people
drive right?
(Yakko spins him around, flips her hair and
tosses him off the steps.)
Improv_God201: Good riddance! I got this
great idea for a song now!
(TLe1792553 watches the last scenes as Cher
walks through her door and Ray gets in his car.)
CarpetAppGrl: Ooh, MAJOR dissage going
on here! And a fight as well? Gracious. Hardly an auspicious ending for all of
this ...
(Improv_God201 goes to his car and drives
off.)
Improv_God201: (singing) I went on
a date with a lady who had real fake hair! She was a real <bleep> and her
name was Cher!
TLe1792553: That definitely didn’t go
well. It wouldn’t surprise me if they never saw each other again.
(Yakko stands ready for her interview. Improv_God201 stumbles over to his interview spot.)
TLe1792553: Let me have your post date
reactions.
Yakko: Yeah, so what was up with
that date, huh? Well I think I was hot for an old woman. If I had any more face
lifts, I could move my toes with my eyebrows. But he couldn't see that. And I
got off more insults than I usually do with Sonny. So I think it was the best
date I've had in 15 years.
(Yakko flips her hair, causing CarpetAppGrl to fall off of her stool from the force.TLe moves on to Improv_God201.)
TLe1792553: Your post date reactions?
Improv_God201: What? Where are ya, girl?
Speak up when you talk to your elders!
(TLe1792553 puts a hand on Ray’s shoulder.)
TLe1792553: Over here ... Your
opinions of the date sir?
Improv_God201: Thanks. Yeah, well Cher
thinks she so great just ‘cause she gets on Scooby Doo and I don't? I
made the greatest Pepsi commercial before Britney Spears got her boobs and
suddenly was better than me! If Cher thinks I'm an old man, well let her know,
I'm still in good record business. It might be a long time before she ever
makes another record again!
(TLe1792553 turns to CarpetAppGrl.)
TLe1792553: Anyway ... Any final
thoughts, CAG?
CarpetAppGrl: They got the wrong one,
baby. Uh-huh.
TLe1792553: I agree wholeheartedly... Join
us next time for Michael Jackson and Demi Moore!
(The audience claps.)
Spell: That was a fantastic game!
Improv_God201: Amazing game, Spell! I
hope we play that a lot less often than we have been playing it!
------------------------
Spell: So, let's move on to a
game called Motown Group! This is for Yakko, Improv_God201, and
CarpetAppGrl. What I need from any audience members who may be here is a name
of a common household appliance.
Audience: Fork!
Spell: Okay ... I heard VCR.
"Do the VCR." Whenever you're ready, take it away.
(Yakko steps forward. All three snap their
fingers.)
Hey I got an obsession I
embrace it every way ... (Every way ...)
I watch soap operas each
and every day (Every day ...)
But I got a life and I got
a job too! (Ooh!)
And if I miss my operas I
won't know what to do ...
But thank the Lord there's
a machine that I need (That I need ...)
I can use it anyway, and
the manual I read
I can go to my job and work
through the morn (Ooh!)
Then go home and over
Chad's break up I'll more
Yeah it's my VCR!
Yeah it's my VCR!
(Yakko steps back and Improv_God201 steps forward. CarpetAppGrl starts doing the twist in the background, and Yakko joins her during ImprovGod201’s verse.)
Ooooohh! I got this
electronic thing today!
It's made my life so much
easier, I just have to hit “play”!
CarpetAppGrl: Tell 'em, baby!
It can record stuff too and
that's really great!
And it's good because I
can't get from my fridge to my TV and that's what I hate!
Oh yeah!
(Improv_God201 steps back and does the twist. CarpetAppGrl grooves to the music for a little bit. TLe1792553 sways to the music from her seat.)
(all lines are spoken)
My darling ... when you
sent me that tape last week ...
I knew I'd just have to
have a peek ...
But darling ... I'd have to
tell you sooner or later ...
It just won't work -- I'm
VHS and you, my dear, are Beta!
Can't play ... no way ...
(CarpetAppGrl steps back, and Yakko steps
forward again.)
Improv_God201: Can't play...no wayyy!
(Improv_God201 snaps and twists. Yakko mimes her actions as she sings.)
Oh, well first you pull a
blank tape out and put it in the slot
You hit the little play
button, it gets you really hot
(Improv_God201 mimics Yakko's dance, as does
CarpetAppGrl, but she’s slightly off beat.)
You set the timer right
though it makes no sense at all
You watch it blink the
number 12 and throw it against the wall
And that's the VCR
Oh yeah, the VCR
Improv_God201: That's the VCR!
CarpetAppGrl: Woooooooooooo!
Improv_God201: Oh yeah!
Yakko: Yeah, we’ll do the
VCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ...
Spell: Fantastic game! 1000 EP
points for all of you! We’ll be back with more Whose Line ... after
this!
Spell: Welcome back to Whose Line. So now, let's move onto a
game for CarpetAppGrl and Improv_God201 ... It's a new one, called Scene
with a Magic 8-Ball!
(The audience and improvisers look at Spell
weirdly.)
Spell: In this game, you will be
using this patented magic 8-ball to help you with your scene.
Improv_God201: This is the wackiest game
that could ever be Mr. S.!
Spell: So, you guys will
improvise a scene, but every so often, you'll ask the 8-ball, who's a character
in the scene as well ... And it will give you "answers," which you
will incorporate into the scene.
Spell: The scene is: CarpetAppGrl
is a home-improvement store employee helping out customer Improv_God201 and his
wife, the 8-ball. Whenever you're ready, take it away.
(Improv_God201 walks into the store.
CarpetAppGrl stocks shelves.)
Improv_God201: Do you think we can ask
that lady over there for help?
The Eight Ball: Trust me! you dont wanna
know!
Improv_God201: Yes I do! Let's go over
anyway! (He walks over to CarpetAppGrl.) Hi! See? Isn't she
nice-looking?
The Eight Ball: Of course ... In your
dreams.
CarpetAppGrl: Oh! Hello there sir ...
and madam.
Improv_God201: No 8-ball, she hasn't been
in my dreams ...
CarpetAppGrl: May I help you?
The Eight Ball: Yeah, probably.
Improv_God201: Hi! Do you think you can
help me? Yes, as my wife said, we need help.
CarpetAppGrl: What are you looking for?
Improv_God201: Do you have any, of those
... (He laughs.) uh ... light fixtures? Do you remember what they're
called?
The Eight Ball: Do you seriously think I
can tell you the answer? (It laughs.) Fool.
CarpetAppGrl: Lights. Hmm ...
Improv_God201: I told you never to call
me that!
(Spell laughs.)
CarpetAppGrl: What will match best?
The Eight Ball: Yeah, probably.
CarpetAppGrl: Yeah, probably ... what?
Improv_God201: "Yeah, probably,"
do you have that model?
CarpetAppGrl: Sir, can you help out?
CarpetAppGrl: I need to know what will
match your decor, see ...
Improv_God201: The model is called
"Yeah, probably"
(The audience laughs.)
Improv_God201: Let me ask my wife!
CarpetAppGrl: Gracious ...
Improv_God201: What's our decor style?
The Eight Ball: Uhmmm, no.
CarpetAppGrl: Reticent, isn't she ...
Improv_God201: "Uhmmm, no!"
That's right! It goes with "Yeah, probably!" It's new-age!
CarpetAppGrl: Are you ashamed of your
decor?
The Eight Ball: Yeeeeaaaah.
Improv_God201: Yes, it's my style of
decor.
CarpetAppGrl: Aha! Ashamed ... and
drunk. Well, we'll have to find a new look!
(CarpetAppGrl marches IG and 8-ball to a
different aisle.)
Improv_God201: What do you think of
that style dear?
CarpetAppGrl: Now, how about this
lace-trimmed model with the baby whale charms hanging off it? Very oceanic.
Improv_God201: What'd I do? ... Where'd ya go?
The Eight Ball: Ummm, don’t get your hopes
up!
(Spell
laughs. Improv_God201 laughs.)
Improv_God201: Oh! There you are! Come
down and here and see this style the lady is showing me! ... Uh, do you have
any other styles ma'am? My wife's not talking to me.
CarpetAppGrl: Madam, you really
shouldn't be using the ladder here ... the liability, you know ... Why
aren't you talking to your husband?
The Eight Ball: Don't miss Whose Line
is it Anyway?, (overdubbed) Thursday nights on ASN!
CarpetAppGrl: Well,that's hardly a
reason ...
Improv_God201: Yes, dear, she's right!
Come down and stop doing that! ... We already know that! This lady is obviously
a Whoser! Now, which style do you want?
The Eight Ball: I’m just an eight ball,
what do I know?
Improv_God201: You're right! Why did I
ever marry you! (He slaps the eight ball.)
CarpetAppGrl: Ouch, what a slap! Are
you okay?
The Eight Ball: Oh my God! I'm not saying
this!!
CarpetAppGrl: I was just concerned,
that's all ...
(Improv_God201 laughs.)
(The audience applauds.)
Improv_God201: Are you okay?!
The Eight Ball: No doubts about it!
Spell: How 'bout I give you
5000 points?
The Eight Ball: Nuppers.
Spell: Fine, then.
Improv_God201: lol
Spell: How about a hand for the
Eight Ball!
The Eight Ball: Do you seriously think I
can tell you the answer ... fool.
------------------------
Spell: Let's kick back a little
and continue with ... Irish Drinking Song! This is for all of you, in seating
order ... So can I have from the audience a non-refrigerator topic for this
Irish Drinking Song?
Audience: Joan Rivers! Judges!
Spell: Okay ... the Judge Irish
Drinking Song. Laura Hall and Candy Girard, take it away.
All: Ohhh
... idy didy didy didy didy didy di!
Yakko: Oh, I got called to court
one day
TLe1792553: I had a nasty ticket
Improv_God201: It was a huge parking
fine!
CarpetAppGrl: I'd parked in the wrong
thicket ...
Yakko: I tried to plead my case
TLe1792553: But the judge wouldn’t hear
it
Improv_God201: Because he had wax in his
ears,
CarpetAppGrl: I thought I was free --
and cheered it!
All: Ohhh
... idy didy didy didy didy didy di!
TLe1792553: I didn’t think the trial
was fair
Improv_God201: My lawyer was bad with
jive,
CarpetAppGrl: He had no sense of rhythm
...
Yakko: And he wore an
out-of-fashion beehive ...
TLe1792553: I had to spend the night
in jail
Improv_God201: No one could get me out!
CarpetAppGrl: I didn't like my cellmate
...
Yakko: All I did was pout!
All: Ohhh
... idy didy didy didy didy didy di!
Improv_God201: But then my mother came
for me!
CarpetAppGrl: I thanked her very much
...
Yakko: She gave me quite an
earful
TLe1792553: I heard about it ‘til
lunch ...
Improv_God201: I slapped the judge before
I left,
Yakko: The judge winked
seductively
CarpetAppGrl: He whacked me with his
gavel ...
TLe1792553: I let out a cry of glee!
(Spell laughs since they went out of order in
that last verse.)
All: Ohhh
... idy didy didy didy didy didy di!
CarpetAppGrl: You'd never see this on
Wapner ...
Yakko: And not on Judy either
TLe1792553: They know how to run a
courtroom
Improv_God201: And I need a breather!
CarpetAppGrl: The jury looked quite
skeptical ...
Yakko: but the guy in the back
was a hottie
TLe1792553: I winked at him several
times
Improv_God201: And we did something
naughty!
All: Ohhh
... idy didy didy didy didy didy di! Ohhh ... idy didy didy didy diiii-deee
diii-deee diiiii!
Spell: We’ll be right back, find
out who the winner is. Don’t go anywhere!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Spell: Hi, and welcome back to
Whose Line! Tonight's winner, TLe1792553! TLe1792553, everybody!
(The audience and improvisers cheer and clap.
Improv_God201 high-fives TLe1792553.)
Spell: And, as punishment, the
rest of us have to do a game for you called ... Scene to Rap. So, Yakko
and I will start the scene, and Improv_God201 and CarpetAppGrl will come in in
due course. What I need from the audience is a suggestion of a mundane place to
meet someone.
Audience: A bus stop! Library!
Grocery store checkout!
Spell: Okay ... a library Scene to
Rap. Laura Hall, start the music.
Hey you there, gimme a sign
I wanna get these books
check out just in time
I've been readin kama sutra
And learning it well
So you better not fine me
Or I'll send you to
Hello are you there?
I'm makin’ lots of noise
I really don't mean to
disturb the girls and boys
So I'm sorry, yo! Yo, yo,
go!
Now this is a library, let
me make it clear
You ain't s'posed to be
loud in here
And just think of one
thing; one thing indeed
You a rapper from the
ghetto! How the hell can you read?
That is not all, yes there
is more ...
In a little bit, walkin'
in, I hope will be my whore!
(Spell winks at CarpetAppGrl.)
Oh yeah if you're a pimp
I'll hang with you
This book on kama surta
sure came through!
(CarpetAppGrl strolls on, reading her book.)
Oh don't mine me I'm just
getting manic ...
I've been reading
Encyclopedia Brittanic!
I'll have to wait here to
give it a look ...
‘Cause you just can't check
out reference books!
Spell: (to beat) That's
right ... Nuh-uh ... Nuh-uh ... That's right ...
CarpetAppGrl: No reference books gon'
home today.
(Improv_God201 moonwalks in.)
Well hey everybody! This is
a library!
I'm a security guard and
here it gets kinda scary!
It's real dark and I get
real scared,
Everything is old and the
libarian's ... (He shrugs.)
CarpetAppGrl: Bared? Dared? Rared?
Impaired?
Those are all right and I
can see you're smart,
Have you been to the
Science Art?
That’s a section way in the
back
Why don’t you go away, you
old hack?
That's a problem, I must
say ...
Seems you need a book by
Roget!
Spell: Yeeeeeeea!
And you (points to
CarpetAppGrl) your brain just make me wanna shout
I'm not white but I'm in
the ghetto
Gettin’ these books and
singing falsetto
(Improv_God201 tries to breakdance, and
moonwalks offstage.)
Wow, he's dancing mighty
screwy ...
Wonder where dancing is in
the Dewey?
I'm moonwalkin’ off right
now
Because CAG looks like a
cow! SEE YA!!!
Don't ask me I'm just a
parton
Ask the guy in the
bookmobile apron
It’s time for me to hit the
road
And I'll sneak out and
steal this literary load
Spell: Thanks for watching Whose
Line! We'll be back with more after this!
Spell: Welcome back to Whose
Line! Tonight's TLe1792553 will read the credits ... And she's going to
read the credits reminiscing about all the people she's slept with. Thanks for
watching! Good night!
TLe1792553: Yeah, that Spell ... he
was OK. But that Yakko ... Wow. And Steccie, well ... that was a long time ago.
Improv, now he is my kind of fella ... (She winks.) I never had a chance
with Mesk, old girlfriend got in the way ... And that CAG ... well, I'll never
tell.
Any similarities to any person, living or dead, is purely
coincidental. All opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the
IdiotSite, the American Spellevision Network, or any web sites or organizations
in which the performers are a part. Format of Whose Line Is It Anyway? used
with apologies and without permission.
All rights reserved.
©2002
Stephen Healey. PC: 296811-105