Show No. 106

TV

PG

Spell: Good evening and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?! On tonight's show –

Real. Comfortable. Yakko!

Did somebody say Steccie?

(Steccie waves at the audience and blows a kiss.)

Put on a happy Improv_God201!

(Improv_God201 gives his best Derek Zoolander look to the camera.)

And oh yeah? Well, up yours, CMoose!

Spell: And I'm Spell, your host! Come on down, let's have some fun!

(The audience applauds.)

Spell: Good evening and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. In fact they are utterly useless. Just like wearing a suit to a show like this.

(The performers and improvisers laugh.)

------------------------

Spell: So let’s start off with one of my favorite games ... Press Conference!

(The performers and audience cheer and applaud.)

Spell: In this game, Yakko will be some sort of public figure announcing something ... unfortunately, she has no idea what it is.

(Improv_God201 steps down to get the envelope from Spell. The other two look at it.)

Spell: But, the other three, as reporters, will know thanks to that card.

(Steccie grins and cracks up. Improv_God201 laughs. CMoose almost loses it.)

Spell: So, Yakko, is your press conference underway?

Yakko: If you say so, Spelly boy. ... Okay, so like thanks for coming, n' junk ... I totally want to answer all your questions like fer sure.

(Steccie raises her hand.)

Yakko: Um, yeah, the cutie pie chick with the pompoms. (She points to Steccie.)

Steccie: Yes, um, thank you ... are these guys macho enough to handle this again?

Yakko: Oh totally! I mean I like would never date anyone who wasn't a total jock, n' stuff.

Yakko: (pointing to CMoose) Yeah, the hottie in the speedo.

CMoose: What first inspired you to do this?

Yakko: Um ... It was a different hottie in a speedo that gave me the idea.

(CMoose writes something down.)

Yakko: (to Improv_God201) Um, did you have a question, or something? ‘Cause like I got an answer, n' stuff!

Improv_God201: Follow-up question to the speedo hottie's, uh, don't you think that Americans are already sick of you People?

(Yakko blinks and pauses, then “lifts up her shirt” to show she isn't wearing a bra.)

Yakko: You mean you'd get tired of these? Next question.

(Steccie raises her hand.)

Steccie: Do you think those “In The Navy” will welcome this event?

Yakko: (to Steccie) Okay, yeah you!

Steccie: Do you think those “In The Navy” will welcome this event?

Yakko: Maybe the Navy SEALs ‘cause of the skin tight uniforms, but not those guys in the silly little sailor outfits, that's so totally not in.

CMoose: (spacing out) Ohh ... sorry, I was just visualizing that cute one with the headdress.

(Yakko points and winks, then giggles like a schoolgirl.)

CMoose: My question: Will the re-incarnation be on the east coast or will you Go West for it?

Yakko: No WAY! I'm gonna stay right in the middle and be on the north coast, like in Cleveland n' junk ‘cause it totally rocks!

(Improv_God201 raises his hand.)

Yakko: Yeah? Like go ahead!

Improv_God201: Will the first concert be at the YMCA?

(The audience groans. Yakko makes a goofy face.)

Yakko: DUH!

BUZZ!

(Yakko flips her hair around and winks at the camera.)

Spell: Okay, Yakko ... Any idea, however faint it may be, on what you're doing?

Yakko: Okay, so am I like totally holding a séance to bring back the Village People?

(Steccie laughs.)

Spell: Close enough!

(CMoose applauds.)

Spell: You are the manager of the Village People announcing their reunion tour.

(The audience applauds. The improvisers sit back down.)

Yakko: I dunno, someone said reincarnation, so I figured they were dead or something.

Spell: 2000 points to CMoose ... maybe that will get your butt off the street.

------------------------

Spell: Let's proceed with a game of Whose Line. This is for Improv_God201 and Steccie. That's right, we actually have a game called "Whose Line" here on Whose Line ... And, I'm going to give the performers slips of paper with lines written down on them. These are lines written down by our studio audience ... we take the good ones and we give them to our performers ... And the bad ones ... ah, we use them too.

(Improv_God201 and Steccie take their lines.)

Spell: But your scene is: Improv_God201 is Harry Potter, and Steccie is Hermione. And you guys are, I don't know, doing something Harry Potter-related; I haven't read the books.

Improv_God201: Hermione! We're going to be late for class!

Steccie: It's your fault, Harry.

Improv_God201: Why?

Steccie: You had to study until the last minute.

Improv_God201: Well, how else can I pass?

Steccie: I got my studying done last week.

Improv_God201: I'm too busy saving the castle over and over.

Steccie: Remember what Professor Snape said if you were late again? (She reaches in her pocket.) Do you laugh when you say Regina?

Improv_God201: Yeah. I always laugh. "Regina." (He laughs.)

Steccie: He's going to make you say it over and over again, and then he'll punish you for disrupting class.

Improv_God201: I know. But Ron told me what to say instead. He told me to say ... (He reaches in his pocket.) Does this mole look suspicious to you?

Steccie: Do you think Snape will believe you've been to the nurse for that?

Improv_God201: I'll just say that and hope that he gets scared ... or something.

Steccie: Actually, that mole does look funny. Maybe I can fix it.

Improv_God201: Anyway, we'd better go. We're wasting too much time. Come on.

(They hurry along.)

Improv_God201: What's the password for the door again? You remember it, don't you?

Steccie: Of course I do! It's ... (She digs for the line.) Sure we could do it ... but would you respect me in the morning?

Improv_God201: Hermione!

Steccie: Um ... that was from Ron. Let me find the password. Here it is! Open sesame!

Improv_God201: Hmm ... That didn't work though. Let me try the one I found. (He reaches in his pocket.) Is this REALLY the way Christina Applegate got started?

Steccie: Why didn't I hear about the new password?

Improv_God201: I ... don't know.

BUZZ!

(The audience applauds and claps.)

Spell: What a game ... Let me now cast this points magic to see how many points you receive ... Oh well ... 1000 points. We’ll be back with more Whose Line after this!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Spell: Welcome back to Whose Line, the show where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter ... no, I don’t get it either. But let's move on to a game called Improbable Mission!

(The cast members whisper to each other and laugh.)

Spell: This is for Improv_God201 and CMoose, with Yakko as the voice on the tape.

Yakko: (grinning evilly) Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Spell: And what I need from the audience is a boring, mundane everyday activity.

Audience: Taking a shower! Walking the dog! Walking the shower! Walking down the street! Taking out the trash! Walking the trash! Taking out the shower!

(Spell looks at the audience in disbelief, then looks off-camera to the crew members.)

Spell: I thought security was supposed to be HEIGHTENED now! What are you guys leaving me with?

Audience: Changing diapers!

Spell: Okay ... changing diapers. So, take it away, guys.

Improv_God201: Look, a tape! We'd better play it, Moosey.

CMoose: Wow ... it must be my "How to Misspell Like Spell in 30 Minutes or Less"!

(Improv_God201 puts the tape into the tape player.)

Improv_God201: I doubt it but never mind.

CMoose: Don't tell me it's another one of those contraceptive PSAs ...

(Improv_God201 presses play and Yakko sings Hava Nagila, causing Improv_God201 to fast-forward.)

Yakko: Good morning gentleman and you too, Moosey.

Improv_God201: (smiling) Good morning.

(CMoose slaps the player.)

Yakko: Today I have a mission for you that is of utmost importance.

CMoose: Do you?

Improv_God201: (looking at CMoose) It's a tape CMoose!

Yakko: We have just received word that the prime minister of Stecciestonia is on her way.

CMoose: It's Stecciestonie, can't be too bad ... er, Stonia.

(Steccie, in the background, throws her head back and laughs.)

Yakko: She is of highest regard here in the United States, but she's bringing her young son, he is 7 years old, but he hasn't been potty trained.

(Spell laughs.)

Improv_God201: (double-takes) Oh no.

Yakko: You must go to the international airport in Cleveland and retrieve the diaper bag from the lost luggage cart, then take it to the White House and change the young son before the President notices the smell. The Prime Minister of Stecciestonia is a great asset and you MUST accomplish this or you won't get paid next Friday.

CMoose: We won't get lai ... oh! PAID!

Yakko: This is precisely why you aren't a gentleman, Moosey. And just so you know, this tape will self-destruct in 5 ...

CMoose: (to Improv_God201) Just a tape, eh?

Yakko: 4 ... 3 ...

(Improv_God201 takes the tape out of the tape-player and throws it out the window.)

Yakko: 2 ... 1 ... BOOM!

Improv_God201: Whew. At least it exploded outside

CMoose: Well, at least we won't have to worry about Mrs. Brown anymore ... Come on!

Improv_God201: Let's go! Which way to the airport again?

CMoose: We're at the security gate, you nitwit!

Improv_God201: Oh yeah. Let's go through. Wait! The metal detectors!

(They walk through it.)

CMoose: It's fine! Now...which cart is the lost cart?

Improv_God201: Oh yeah. They just beep because of the metal! Never mind!

CMoose: Blue cart, green cart, blue cart, green cart...

Improv_God201: The one we can't find I bet. Try ... blue.

(Improv_God201 stands back.)

CMoose: Do I have to Pamper you with my anger?

(Yakko laughs and Steccie groans. CMoose snatches the diaper pack from the green cart.)

Improv_God201: Good. Let's go.

Improv_God201: Where are we going again? I wasn't listening.

CMoose: Now, we have to catch the 13:30 plane to Seattle, follow it to Vancouver, fly to Tokyo, have a delay in London, then end up in Washington D.C.

Improv_God201: Can't we just ... walk to the White House? There it is!

(Improv_God201 points to the big White House on the hill.)

Improv_God201: I never knew we lived in D.C.

CMoose: That's Drew Carey's house! We're in Cleveland, remember! (He smacks Improv_God201.)

(Improv_God201 smacks his own head, then follows CMoose to the plane.)

CMoose: Rather than catching the 13:30 to Seattle, though, we could always take the direct flight to D.C.

Improv_God201: Right! We could hitch a ride there on that plane.

CMoose: Okay, let's go!

Improv_God201: I'm afraid to point to a plane in fear that I might be wrong again. (He runs.)

(CMoose boards the plane and sits in the aisle with the emergency exit.)

CMoose: GET BACK HERE!!

(Improv_God201 jumps onto the plane and sits next to CMoose. CMoose feels the plane take off.)

CMoose: Oh ... oh my God. There's like ... a monkey on the wing!

Improv_God201: (looking at watch) We don't have much time! ... Where?

Improv_God201: Where?

CMoose: There! (He points to the now empty wing.)

Improv_God201: I don't see anything. Here, take this wrench just in case.

CMoose: Well, butter my chops and call me Rod Serling! It was there a second ago!

(Steccie laughs.)

Improv_God201: Listen Rod Serling, I don't see anything.

(Improv_God201 feels the monkey fall on his head.)

Improv_God201: AAH!!! (He runs around the aisle.)

CMoose: Oh yeah? (He looks into the back of the seat ahead of him.) It's a cookbook!

(Cmoose holds it up. Steccie cracks up.)

Improv_God201: Get it off! Get it off!

Improv_God201: Quick! Throw the book over there so the monkey will follow it!

(CMoose opens the emergency exit and throws it at the monkey!)

CMoose: Take that Brad Sherwood! Oh ... the monkey on the WING?! Oh well, I wasted a perfectly good Devil's Food Cake recipe for nothing!

(Steccie falls out of her chair laughing.)

Improv_God201: Let's just ... jump out the plane and pray we land near the White House!

CMoose: Okay!

(Improv_God201 jumps out and releases his secret parachute. CMoose jumps out of the plane, but manages to whack the monkey with the Pampers en route to the White House. Improv_God201 lands on some sand.)

Improv_God201: There! We made it!

CMoose: Oh no! I don't have a parachuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute! (He lands.)

Improv_God201: And we have about two hours left!

CMoose: Oh, a trampoline, how convenient ...

Improv_God201: Yeah, it was in my pants.

CMoose: Okay, well, there's Dubya in the literacy class. We know we're in the right place!

Improv_God201: And look! There's the White House. The kid must be inside!

CMoose: Right! It would be tough excretion if he wasn't!

(Improv_God201 stops in front of the doors of the House, but CMoose rushes up the lawn and into the White House and looks straight at the kid. Improv_God201 follows CMoose.)

CMoose: Okay! Where's there a changing station around here?

Improv_God201: In the Oval Office!

CMoose: Or, as Bill Clinton would call it, the Ovary Office! Right!

(CMoose rushes into the office. Improv_God201 picks up the kid and sets him on the changing station.)

CMoose: Oh man ... the desk is the only table I see in here! Oh well, sorry Mr. Prez.

(CMoose puts the kid – a second kid, perhaps? – face down on the desk.)

Improv_God201: Right, now what do we do?

CMoose: Okay ... you take the diaper off and I'll put the new one on!

Improv_God201: Why can't YOU take the diaper off? How come I have to do the dirty work?

CMoose: Because you're my novice. It's not that hard, now DO IT! (mumbling) Idiot ...

(Improv_God201 slowly takes off the diaper and throws it into the President's cabinet.)

Improv_God201: They won't find it there! Hurry!

CMoose: You idiot! You got the poop all over Dubya's next speech! It'll be full of (bleep) now!

(Steccie falls out of her chair again laughing.)

Improv_God201: It's too late for that! Keep going! Nobody ever said we had to keep anything clean!

CMoose: Okay, all right ... just clean up that brown stuff around his butt, will you?

(Steccie giggles helplessly.)

Improv_God201: Forget it! (He laughs.)

BUZZ!

(Improv_God201 shakes his head as he sits back down. The audience and Steccie applaud. CMoose lets free a huge burst of restrained laughter.)

Spell: As if we weren't already in danger of cancellation ...

(Improv_God201 says something to CMoose as he points to the stage. CMoose nods and rolls his eyes.)

Spell: 2 points to you guys ... you know what I mean ...

Improv_God201: Half a point for each bad joke? Or is it just pity?

(Spell winks exaggeratedly. Improv_God201 smiles.)

------------------------

Spell: Now, let's move on to our favorite game ... Party Quirks! In this one, Yakko will be the host of a party, and the other three will have strange quirks she needs to guess.

(The performers look at their quirks. CMoose laughs, Steccie furrows her brow, and Improv_God201 smiles.)

Spell: And Yakko, is the party started?

Yakko: Huh? (She looks around at the piles of food.) You mean I'm having a party? Where the heck are my guests? ... AHEM ... Where the heck are my guests?

DING-DONG

Spell: Sorry ... the repairmen are fixing the bell ...

(Yakko sticks her tongue out at Spell.)

Steccie: (former dot-com millionaire in ill spirits since the economy went bust) Oh my gosh! I'm ruined!

(The audience chuckles at the quirk.)

Steccie: What the hell happened?

Yakko: I dunno, it's just food. I mean, yeah some of the appetizers are a little over done, but it's nothing to get worked up about.

Steccie: Of course, there were too many of us. The Internet couldn't handle it. And then when the stock market went down, all our sites went kapoot!

Yakko: Uh ... yeah.

(Yakko smiles and nods. Steccie goes to Yakko’s laptop.)

Steccie: I miss you, you wonderful business you.

DING-DONG

(Yakko dashes to the door.)

Steccie: That Yahoo guy sold out beforehand, lucky sod.

Yakko: HI IMPROV!!!!!

(Improv_God201 adjusts his hat and throws a ball.)

Yakko: Nice pitching.

Improv_God201: (an aspiring Pokemon master) We can win this one, Charizard! Do Fire Blow Thingy! Oh no! Squirt ... Tortoise! I need potion! (He runs around the tables.)

Yakko: Is that you, Ash Ketchum? Gah, I haven't seen you since the movie came out.

Improv_God201: Oh no! No potion? AAH! How will I ever win now? I guess it’s up to you!

Spell: Close enough ...

(Improv_God201 returns to his seat.)

DING-DONG

Steccie: At least I've saved most of what I've earned to start again. The computer industry will never die.

(Yakko shakes her head.)

Yakko: Oh, hi Moose, long time no see!

(CMoose rushes in angrily.)

CMoose: (Whose Line staff member critical of the other quirks and thinks that he could do better)

Yakko: oh! Um ... you seem a bit peeved ... Somebody needs a hug.

CMoose: (to Yakko) HOW DID YOU GET IMPROV_GOD201'S QUIRK?! HE DID A HORRIBLE JOB! Grrrrr!

(The audience laughs.)

CMoose: Here ... he should have done ...

Yakko: Oh Moose, it's okay, I know you're much better at this than anyone.

CMoose: (as Improv_God201) PIKACHU! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE RIGHT NOW! I'M CALLING ON YOU!

Yakko: And I think if you'd done everyone else's quirk you'd have been WAY better at it.

CMoose: (as Steccie) OH GOD, TAKE ME NOW! I'M DYING! I'M DYING! I'M BROKE! I'M BROKE! AAAAAAAAAGH!

Yakko: And you certainly would've been more forceful about it.

Steccie: Hmm ... maybe I can rebuild YakkoIsADiva.com.

(Improv_God201 laughs at Steccie and Yakko.)

CMoose: THAT's the level of enthusiasm you put into it, guys! That's what I want to see you doing!

Yakko: Moose, I know you think you can do everyone else's quirk better and more aggressively than them, but you'll have to settle for what they're giving.

Steccie: I'm 17 and I've made more money than you. Of course, now it's gone. (She cries.)

CMoose: Even he (points to Spell) is doing a better job than you guys!!

Yakko: And Steccie I mean, Bill Gates, quit your whining.

Spell: Close ...

Steccie: I won an award for best site! Darn it! Where have the 90's gone?

Yakko: (to Spell) I wasn't done yet.

CMoose: If I'm to work on this show, I expect TALENT in these improvisers! Not, "Oh well, YakkoIsADiva.com"! Sheesh!

Steccie: All of us are looking for jobs now, and yes, we have gone to Bill Gates for help.

Yakko: (to Spell) Yes I was, I have no idea at all. ... Um, Steccie, are you one of Bill Gates' lackies having been put out of work and relying on your small time Internet business to support you?

Spell: Well, Steccie used to be THIS, but thanks to THIS, is in a bad mood.

Yakko: Steccie used to be rich, but thanks to Bill Gates she's in a bad mood? (She shrugs.)

Spell: Close ...

CMoose: (as Yakko) Oh, I can't guess an easy quirk! Oh well, I'll have the host tell me the answer.

Spell: She's a former dot-com millionaire who is in ill spirits since the economy went sour

(Yakko makes a face at CMoose. Steccie sits down.)

Spell: And, any idea about CMoose?

CMoose: And she makes a face at me? Is this the respect I get from TRAINED PROFESSIONALS?!

(Improv_God201 says something to Steccie as she returns to her seat.)

Yakko: CMoose is, quite simply, an ass(bleep). (She nods triumphantly.)

Spell: Yes!

CMoose: (as Spell) Yes, CMoose is an ass(bleep)! Ha ha ha! (as self) I can call myself an ass(bleep) better than you, my friend! (He smiles and sits down.)

Spell: He was a Whose Line staff member who is critical of the other quirks and thinks he could do better.

Yakko: That's what I said ... an ass(bleep). (She smiles sweetly and sits down.)

Spell: 1000 points to Yakko ... and 5000 to the ASN if they don't bleep out "ass(bleep)."

Improv_God201: You might as well give those 5000 points to a worthy charity then Mr. S.

Spell: We’ll be right back to find out who the winner is after this! Don’t go anywhere!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Spell: Welcome back to Whose Line, tonight's winner – Improv_God201! So, he gets to sit at the desk and look like he's doing something, while the rest of us do our favorite game, Hoedown!

Improv_God201: YES! No “Hoedown” for me!

Spell: Okay, audience, I need a profession you wanted to be when you grew up.

Audience: Statistician! Personal shopper!

Spell: Okay ... the statistician “Hoedown.” Laura Hall, take it away!

Yakko

Ooohhh, those statisticians they sure know what to do

I could talk about them all day until my face turns blue

the only problem is the fact that I'd really be bluffing

but I'm good at bull(bleep)ing cause that topic left me huffing

Spell

I'm a statistician, numbers I crunch

I log my stats at breakfast; I log them at lunch

But one thing is perplexin' me; I'm all out of joint

How many times has somebody won one thousand points?

Steccie

I always work with numbers, it gives me such a buzz.

I can make them work any way, that's what a statistician does.

But you may think that I sit around all day on my bum.

That's false! I'm busy fitting triangles into my Pythagorean Theorem!

CMoose

I was a statistician from down in the south

But I seemed to get the numbers wrong whene'er I opened my mouth

I decided that that occupation would never take me fa'

So I became a stripper ... wanna see my alge-bra?

All: See my alge-braaaaaa!

Spell: We'll be back with more Whose Line after this!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

(Credits flash in the top left corner of the screen, while an ICN promo airs.)

Announcer: Oh, those British people ...

(Cut to clip from Show No. 114.)

Wisey: (singing) EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP TRY TO FIND SOMETHIN' TO EAT ... SIT AROUND ALL DAY, NOTHIN' TO DO, EXCEPT MAYBE (bleeeeeeep) ...

Announcer: So stay tuned at 9:30, for another (bleeeeeeep) edition of Whose Line Is It Anyway?, all-new!

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