Show No.
114
TV
14
DL
(WARNING: DUE TO ADULT SUBJECT MATTER, VIEWER
DISCRETION IS ADVISED.)
Spell: Good evening, and welcome
to Whose Line Is It Anyway?, in Britain! On tonight’s show –
Fantastic! -- Wisey!
Wonderful! -- OcelotKat!
Stupendous! – Ryan_the_Canuck!
And I have some one-word
descriptors for him, but this is on network television -- CMoose!
And I'm Spell, your host!
Come on down, let's have some fun! (He runs to his desk.)
Spell: Hi, and welcome to Whose
Line Is It Anyway?, returning to its roots. Yes, Whose Line, the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter ... that's right, the points
are just like CMoose.
(CMoose glares.)
Spell: Doesn't mean a thing ...
(Wisey nods and applauds. OcelotKat awws.
Ryan_the_Canuck laughs, then offers CMoose his water.)
CMoose: Thanks Ryan.
Spell: And there are some great
games lined up for you tonight ... but enough about ESPN.
------------------------
Spell: So, let's start off with a
game called Let's Make a Date. This is for all four of you.
(CMoose looks vaguely frightened.)
Spell: OcelotKat will be the contestant
on a dating-type program, and the others will be the only people she gets to
choose from ... many apologies.
(The contestants go to their stools and look at their cards.)
Spell: So ... OcelotKat, take it
away.
OcelotKat: (do we capitalize?)
OcelotKat: hehe
CMoose: (*looks at Kat in that
way*)
OcelotKat: HI BACHELORS. UM, BACHELOR
NUMBER 3 SOUNDS LIKE A JERK SO I’LL START WITH ONE. BACHELOR NUMBER 1, I LIKE
TO THINK I’M A CHILD AT HEART. IF WE WERE TO HAVE A DATE ON A PLAYGROUND, WHAT
WOULD YOU PLAY ON FIRST?
Wisey: OH, ANYTHING THAT DIDN'T
HAVE A COIN SLOT TO WORK IT. (to audience) ANYONE SPARE A POUND? ...
NEVER MIND. I LIKE BEING A CHILD AT HEART TOO.
OcelotKat: TOO BAD I HAVE A COIN
SLOT.
Wisey: (singing) WE'RE SO
YOOOUUNG AT HEART ... (He looks expectantly at the camera.)
OcelotKat: (singing back)
OOOOOOK. ... BACHELOR NUMBER 2, I LIKE TO KEEP A DIARY TO REMEMBER THINGS IN
FACT I'M WRITING IN ONE RIGHT NOW. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEMORY?
Ryan_the_Canuck: (bouncing around) I
CAN'T ANSWER QUESTIONS! I'M LATE! I'M LATE! I'M LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT DATE! NOT
WITH YOU, OF COURSE ... (He goes to the other side of the stool.) WHERE
AM I?? WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
OcelotKat: YOU SOUND KIND OF FUN.
(Ryan_the_Canuck smiles.)
OcelotKat: BACHELOR NUMBER 3, I'M NOT
HOLDING YOU UP FOR ANYTHING, AM I?
(CMoose shows his teeth to OcelotKat.)
OcelotKat: WOW! LOOK AT THOSE PEARLY
WHITES! I LIKE A CLEAN GUY, WHAT IS YOUR MORNING RITUAL?
CMoose: I LIKE WAKING UP! I FEEL
SO HAPPY! SO HAPPY! HAHAHAHAHA! (He perches on the stool with all four
legs.) SO HAPPY I COULD JUST BOUNCE! (He jumps off the stool and
lands on the ground.) OOF! OH WELL! I DON'T CARE! HEHEHEHEHE!
(He trots around the stage.)
OcelotKat: THIS IS GOING TO BE A HARD
CHOICE.
(Ryan_the_Canuck is still smiling.)
OcelotKat: BACHELOR NUMBER 1, SAME
QUESTION. WHAT'S YOUR MORNING RITUAL?
Wisey: WELL ... LISTEN TO THIS. (He
pulls out a guitar and sings.) EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP TRY TO FIND
SOMETHIN' TO EAT ... SIT AROUND ALL DAY, NOTHIN' TO DO, EXCEPT MAYBE (bleeeeeeep)
... WIFE LEFT 3 WEEKS AGO, TOOK EVERYTHIN' I GOT ... I SIT IN MY SQUAT ALL DAY
... AND PISS IN A POT. (He smiles enigmatically at the camera.)
OcelotKat: All righty.
(CMoose continues to run around the stage,
and gnaws on the leg of OcelotKat’s stool.)
OcelotKat: BACHELOR NUMBER 2, I'M
LOOKING FOR A GUY THAT CAN SHARE MY LOVE FOR INTERIOR DECORATING BUT ALSO MY
HETEROSEXUALITY. TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT WHAT YOUR BEDROOM LOOKS LIKE.
Ryan_the_Canuck: (smiling) WELL, I
HAVE A CHEST, BUT I HIRE PEOPLE ... (He disappears slowly, becomes
translucent, with only his smile visible.) MWA-HA-HA!
OcelotKat: BACHELOR NUMBER 3, SAME
QUESTION.
CMoose: MUEHEHEHEHE! HAHAHA! MY
BEDROOM LOOKS LIKE THE OCEAN! HEHEHE! OH MY GOD! HAHA! (He starts swimming
out into the “water,” but submerges eventually, gurgles a little bit, and
drowns.)
Spell: Any guesses, Kat?
OcelotKat: OH YES, MANY GUESSES.
OcelotKat: UM, NUMBER 1 IS SOME
WASHED UP VEGAS ENTERTAINER?
Spell: Not really ...
Wisey: Ahem.
OcelotKat: HE'S A ...
Spell: He's a struggling,
down-on-his-luck ... ?
OcelotKat: VEGAS ENTERTAINER? (She
smiles.)
(Wisey smashes his guitar over OcelotKat’s
head as a clue.)
Spell: Close enough. A struggling
country singer.
Ryan_the_Canuck: I THOUGHT HE WAS OZZY
OSBOURNE ..
OcelotKat: THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY
NEXT GUESS AFTER ALL OF THE WRONG ONES.
Spell: Notice how the same guess
goes from not really to close enough in 2 seconds ... (He fake-smiles.)
OcelotKat: IF I'M WRONG ABOUT NUMBER
2 I'M GOING TO BE SAD BECAUSE THIS IS MY FAVORITE BOOK. HE'S VARIOUS CHARACTERS
FROM ALICE IN WONDERLAND.
Spell: Yes!
OcelotKat: AND CMOOSE IS SOME KIND OF
SEA MAMMAL ON CRACK.
CMoose: That's close in two really
weird ways, but off sooo far in others.
Wisey: Yeah ... but what’s his
quirk?
Spell: Almost ... he's a drunk
what?
OcelotKat: HE'S A DRUNK ... DOG?
CMoose: I've never seen a dog jump
off a cliff ...
Spell: He's a lemm--
OcelotKat: LEMMING!
Spell: Yes!
(Everyone sits down.)
Spell: 500 points for ... I don't
know, me.
OcelotKat: You are going to be my
puppy, if you stay I'll pet you everyday.
CMoose: See ... how could you not
tell I was a drunk lemming.
------------------------
Spell: So ... anyway, let's move
on to a game called Film, Television, and Theater Styles. This is for
OcelotKat and Ryan_the_Canuck. Can I have some styles from the audience?
(The audience shouts out many suggestions.)
Spell: Okay, I have plenty. So
your scene is ... Ryan, you are ... oh, how apropos is this ... You are a
Canadian mountie ... And you're stopping OcelotKat from poaching in the Yukon.
Spell: So, start the scene, and
I'll buzz in styles.
Ryan_the_Canuck: FREEZE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OcelotKat: ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
Ryan_the_Canuck: THIS IS THE YUKON! WHO
ELSE IS IN THE NEAREST 5 SQUARE MILES?
OcelotKat: WELL I HEARD IT WAS
LEMMING SEASON IN CANADA.
Ryan_the_Canuck: SO? COULDN'T YOU FRY THE EGGS? OR SCRAMBLE THEM? BUT NO, YOU HAD TO POACH THEM ...
OcelotKat: THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO
COOK LEMMING EGGS, OTHERWISE THEY GO BAD.
OcelotKat: HERE, TRY SOME.
Ryan_the_Canuck: COULDN'T YOU ROAST THEM IN
BOILED PRINGLES?
Spell: Real World.
Ryan_the_Canuck: GEEZ! YOU COOK LIKE (bleep)!
OcelotKat: WELL YOU LEAVE ALL OF YOUR
DIRTY DISHES LAYING ALL OVER THE KITCHEN!
Ryan_the_Canuck: I ONLY DO THAT BECAUSE YOU
WON'T PAY FOR A DISHWASHER! YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE THE RICH KID!
OcelotKat: WITH THE EXCHANGE RATE
HERE I'M NOT RICH ANYMORE!
Spell: Disaster.
Ryan_the_Canuck: AAAAH! THE ECONOMY IS FALLING!
OcelotKat: OH MY GOD, THE LEMMINGS
... THEY'RE DIVING! QUICK, WE'VE GOT TO STOP THEM.
Spell: Bonanza.
OcelotKat: JUST HOP ON YOUR HORSE AND
WE'LL RIDE DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE CLIFF.
Ryan_the_Canuck: RUN!!!!!! HOP ON MY HORSE?
OcelotKat: YOU DON'T HAVE HORSES IN
CANADA?
Ryan_the_Canuck: NO! HOP ON MY COW!
OcelotKat: WHAT DO THE MOUNTIES
MOUNT?
Spell: Oh, what the hell. Porno!
OcelotKat: AND WHAT A GREAT
TRANSITION THAT LINE MAKES FOR.
Ryan_the_Canuck: WE MOUNT WHAT WE TAKE OFF.
(He strips.)
Ryan_the_Canuck: YES! VERY GOOD! (He takes more clothes off.)
OcelotKat: YOU KNOW I KNOW OF ANOTHER
GUY IN THE YUKON AND HE'S A PLUMBER, I'LL CALL HIM UP.
Spell: That was EXTREMELY
disturbing!
(CMoose and the audience applaud.)
Spell: 2000 points and a
brainscrubber for each of you.
Ryan_the_Canuck: Really?
------------------------
Spell: So now, we move on to a
game for OcelotKat, Wisey, and CMoose ... Doo-Wop! And these guys are
going to sing a song in the style of a 50s doo-wop group, ironically enough ...
(He looks at a random man in the studio audience.) Hey, there. What's
your name?
Audience Member: Don ...
Spell: Okay, Don ... And
audience, can I have a boring, mundane activity?
Audience: Ordering fast food!
Sweeping the floor!
Spell: Okay ... You're going to
sing a song about Don ... who died in a freak sweeping the floor accident. So
... take it away, Laura Hall (thanks for making the trip).
OcelotKat: OOOOOOOO-OOOOOOO ...
CMoose: AAAAAAAHHH-AAAAAAH ...
Wisey: EEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEK ...
OH DON, YOU KNOW I REALLY
MISS YOOOOOU
YOU DIED BEFORE I HAD A
CHANCE TO KISS YOOOOU
I KNOW ABOUT THE GIRLS YOU
WERE REALLY PICKY
BUT WHY DID YOU TRY TO USE
THE VACUUM TO GIVE YOU A HICKEY?
(The audience laughs.)
CMoose (in a high, squeaky female
voice)
OH DON, YOU KNOW YOU WERE
GOING TO BE MY GROOOOM
UNTIL YOU WENT AND HAD THE
ACCIDENT WITH THAT BROOOOM
AND YOU KNOW YOU'D BE THE
PERFECT MAN
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO INHALE
THE CONTENTS OF THE DUST PAAAN? ...
ALL I'M LEFT TO DO IS JUST
WEEEEP
WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST MAKE
A ... CLEAN SWEEP? (He sulks.)
Wisey (in a deeper voice)
OHHHHHH DON, YOU LIVED IN
THE JANITOR'S SUITE . .
YOU'D THROW YOUR BROOM
HANDLES AT HOMELESS KIDS WHO'D TRY TO COME IN OFF THE STREET . .
THE LADIES ALL LOVE YOU,
THEY THINK YOU'RE A REAL LOOKER . .
BUT WHEN YOU PLAYED WITH
THAT VACUUM YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WASN'T A SUCKER!
Wisey: OOOOHHHHHHH ... !
OcelotKat: OOOOOOOOOOOH
CMoose: OOOOOOOOHHHH!
(Spell wipes a tear from his eye. The audience laughs.)
Spell: Oh, sorry ... I got a
paper cut. (He stops crying.)
CMoose: I think I took the words
"Sweeping the floor" a little differently than Wisey and Kat did ...
I thought of a broom, they thought of a vacuum cleaner, apparently ... hmm ...
Spell: Um ... while I figure out
points, let's go to commercial! We'll be back with more Whose Line after this!
Don't go anywhere!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Spell:
Welcome back to Whose Line in England, the show where everything's made up and
the points don't matter. Our current online poll question results: 90% of
respondents wonder what they're responding to. But let's move on to a game
called Weird Newscasters! CMoose is going to be the anchor of a news-type program ...
(CMoose takes the stools and sits down.)
Spell: OcelotKat is the coanchor,
and you are a square rural white person trying desperately to be
"ghetto" ... But your quirk is ...
OcelotKat: I actually am ... This
will be easy. (She smiles.)
Spell: Wisey is on sports, and
you are trying to rope in the world's largest fish. And ryan_the_canuck, you
are on weather, and you are a distraught bride who can't find the right wedding
dress. So ... when you hear the news music, take it away.
(The news music plays.)
CMoose: GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO THE 8 O'CLOCK NEWS. I'M
PLEASURABLY KINKY.A HONDA WAS FOUND TODAY ON THE WEST SIDE OF TOWN URINATING ON
A 74-YEAR-OLD WOMAN'S LAWN. IT WAS SOON ARRESTED AND TAKEN TO THE JUNKYARD. THE
POLICE SAY THAT IT IS JUST A NORMAL CASE OF “TINKLE, TINKLE LITTLE CAR.” ... SO
... MY CO-ANCHOR, TAWDRY AUDREY!
OcelotKat: THANKS BRO. TODAY THERE
WERE RIOTS DOWNTOWN, I BELIEVE WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF THE POLICE BEATING ME
UP.
CMoose: I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT ...
OcelotKat: JUST LIKE THE POLICE TO
JUDGE ME CUZ OF MA SKIN COLOR. TO ALL OF MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN THE
PROJECTS, STAY STRONG.
CMoose: THANKS FOR THE PEPTALK.
OKAY, NOW IT'S TIME FOR SPORTS WITH OUR FAITHFUL PRESENTER: SOCK HER BALL!
Wisey: THANKS MR. KINKY! BIG NEWS
IN SOCCER TODAY. BIG, BIG NEWS! A MAJOR NEW TRANSFER DEAL WAS MADE TODAY
-- OH, IT'S MAJOR! LEDBETTER DOPPLEGANGER SMASHED THE WORLD RECORD TRANSFER FEE
... IT IS! IT'S A NEW RECORD!! HANG ON – (He pretends to pull in something
from offstage.) HOW ABOUT THAT! THAT'S GOTTA BE THE BIGGEST-- EEK! (He
wrestles with the invisible fish.)
CMoose: THIS JUST IN: LEDBETTER
DOPPLEGANGER IS FINALLY PRONOUNCED CORRECTLY.
OcelotKat: IS THAT EBONICS? (She
gets out her Ebonics dictionary.)
CMoose: OKAY, ANYHOW ... TIME TO
GO TO WEATHER WITH SUBURB-AL!
Ryan_the_Canuck: WELL, PLEASURABLY, WE HAVE
SOME SUNNY SKIES AHEAD. SUNNY SKIES, GREAT FOR AN OUTDOOR WEDDING! OR, IF
YOU'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED, SOME OUTDOOR WEEDING! ANYHOW ... WHERE'S MY DRESS?
I PUT IT IN THE CLOSET, NOW I DON'T REMEMBER WHICH OF THESE CLOTHES IT IS! (He
puts on a thong.) NOPE. (He puts on a dress with Spell’s picture.)
NOPE. (He runs into the audience and up to an audience member.)
CMoose: THANK YOU, SUBURB! WELL,
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR THE NEWS TONIGHT. UP NEXT IS THE PRODUCTION
"A LOT OF ADJECTIVES THAT MEN DON'T WANT TO BE", WHICH IS BETTER
KNOWN AS "DIRTY HAIRY" COMING UP NEXT! GOODNIGHT!
Ryan_the_Canuck: (to audience member,
seeing that he is looking at him strangely) You WERE going to be my
husband-to-be, but I was cut off ...
Spell: You were cut off? Ewww ...
500 points to OcelotKat if she never talks like that again. (He smiles
fakely.)
OcelotKat: Good enough.
------------------------
Spell: So, let's move on to a
game called Hey You Down There! This will feature CMoose as the narrator
of a 50s informational video, and Ryan and Wisey as his unfortunate victims. So
can I have from the audience a mundane activity?
(The audience shouts out a lot of
suggestions.)
Spell: Okay ... CMoose, show them
how to house paint.
(Cheesy 1950s music begins to play.)
CMoose: HEY YOU DOWN THERE!
(Ryan_the_Canuck looks up and waves at CMoose.
Wisey jumps up and hits his head on the underside of the table.)
CMoose: WELL, I BET YOU'RE LOOKING
TO PUT A GOOD TRIM ON THAT HOUSE OF YOURS. AM I RIGHT?
(Ryan_the_Canuck nods. Wisey shrugs
indifferently.)
CMoose: WELL, FIRST OF ALL, TAKE
OFF THE LEMMING COSTUME. YOU LOOK DRUNK THAT WAY.
(Ryan_the_Canuck helps Wisey with the zipper,
and Wisey looks at him and shakes his head quickly. Wisey then feels the zipper
get caught on his chest hairs.)
CMoose: EVEN THOUGH I COULDN'T
CARE LESS ABOUT YOU GUYS JUMPING OFF A CLIFF, I WANT TO SHOW OUR VIEWERS HOW TO
PAINT THEIR HOUSES.
(Ryan_the_Canuck looks hurt. Wisey offers him
as a blood sacrifice.)
CMoose: OH WELL. SECOND OF ALL,
CHOOSE YOUR COLOR. I BET YOU WANT A NICE SHADE OF ECRU! NOT RED, WISEY ... THAT
ONLY COMES WHEN WE FILM OUR HOW-TO-BUTCHER-A-COW VIDEO!
(Wisey nods emphatically.)
CMoose: OH WELL ... TAKE YOUR
PAINTBRUSHES AND DIP IT IN THE PAINT. UNFORTUNATELY, IF YOU DON'T HAVE A BRUSH,
YOU CAN JUST USE THAT BRITISH GUY'S HAIR ...
(Ryan_the_Canuck
and Wisey nod. Ryan_the_Canuck dips P_Merton’s (a semi-successful online
improvisation star) hair in the paint bucket, and Wisey helps.)
CMoose: UNFORTUNATELY, P_MERTON
ISN'T IN THIS VIDEO. MAYBE WISEY'S HAIR WOULD MAKE A GOOD SUBSTITUTION.
(Ryan_the_Canuck looks for hair on Wisey, and
can’t find any. Wisey glares at the voice.)
CMoose: WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS THE
STUFF ON HIS CHEST! HE GOT THE LEMMING COSTUME STUCK ON IT, YOU KNOW!
(Wisey offers his chest hair which had been
ripped off onto the floor. Ryan_the_Canuck makes a face, then finds a
paintbrush in his pocket. Wisey paints his chest and runs into the wall
repeatedly.)
CMoose: OKAY, THEN ... NOW DIP IT
IN THE PAINT AND FLING IT AT YOUR HOUSE. IF YOU'RE LUCKY, IT'LL STICK AND
MAKE A SPLOOSHY SPOT ON THE WALL!
(Ryan_the_Canuck flings it. Wisey tries to
get out of the way so he doesn’t get painted.)
CMoose: NOW YOU CAN BECOME
RENOWNED AS "THAT HOUSE WITH THAT BRITISH GUY'S CHEST HAIR ON IT.” AFTER
WISEY RUNS OUT OF CHEST HAIR, WHAT DO YOU DO? TAKE SOME FROM RYAN'S CHEST!
(Wisey nods and unzips Ryan’s pants.)
CMoose: NO, NO, NO! NOT HIS PUBIC
HAIR, WISEY! LEAVE HIS FLY ALONE.
(Ryan_the_Canuck flings paint at CMoose.)
CMoose: RIGHT ... NOW RYAN HAS
PAINT ALL OVER HIM. PICK HIM UP AND THROW HIM AT THE WALL.
(Ryan_the_Canuck backs away.)
CMoose: ALSO, I'M NOT IN THIS
PICTURE, SO YOU CAN'T HIT ME WITH THAT PAINT. SUCKER!
(Wisey picks up Ryan in his arms and bashes
his head against the wall.)
CMoose: OKAY ... NOW, ALL YOU HAVE
TO DO IS JUST ... THROW HIM! RIGHT! CONCUSS HIM AND PAINT THE HOUSE AT THE SAME
TIME!
(Wisey throws Ryan_the_Canuck out the window,
who lands in a hammock and falls asleep.)
CMoose: IF ALL ELSE FAILS, GET
YOUR ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD TO STRIP AND COVER THEMSELVES IN PAINT. THEN THROW
THEM ONE BY ONE. THAT'S SURE TO GET IT DONE!
CMoose: That was ... uhhh ...
(The audience applauds.)
Spell: Oh ... I don't know how
many points to give that one. So I won’t.
Wisey: The word you're looking
for moose is ... uh ...
Ryan_the_Canuck: ... auspicous?
Spell: So, let's move on to a
game called Irish Drinking Song! These guys are going to make up a song,
one line at a time, about ... What's something you'd be embarrassed about,
audience?
(The audience is silent.)
Spell: Don't all speak up at
once, audience ...
Audience Member: Spilling food and drink on
yourself!
Spell: Good! The spilling food on
yourself Irish Drinking Song! Take it away!
All: OHHH ... IDY DIDY DIDY
DIDY DIDY DIDY DI!
Wisey: I WAS EATING WITH MY
FRIEND
OcelotKat: I WS EATING WAY TOO FAST
Ryan_the_Canuck: I DID SOMETHING STUPID
CMoose: A FEROCIOUS FART I PASSED
(The audience laughs.)
Wisey: I WAS SO EMBARRASSED
OcelotKat: I TURNED A SHADE OF RED
Ryan_the_Canuck: THE ANTS CRAWLED DOWN MY
PANTS
CMoose: AS I SPILLED MUSTARD ON MY
HEAD!
(Spell and the audience laugh.)
All: OH, IDY DIDY DIDY DIDY
DIDY DIDY DI!
OcelotKat: IT MADE MY HAIR ALL STICKY
Ryan_the_Canuck: AND DID THE SAME TO MY
SHIRT
CMoose: DON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT MY
STRAW
Wisey: WHERE IT GOT POKED REALLY
HURT
OcelotKat: IT WENT UP MY NOSE
(The audience laughs.)
Ryan_the_Canuck: IT DIDN'T STOP THERE
CMoose: IT SEEMED TO SQUISH AROUND
MY BACK END
Wisey: AT LEAST IT WASN'T MY
PUBIC HAIR!
(The audience laughs.)
All: OH, IDY DIDY DIDY DIDY
DIDY DIDY DI!
Ryan_the_Canuck: I TOOK OUT A BOTTLE OF
BEER
CMoose: AND POURED IT DOWN MY
PANTS
Wisey: IT FELT NICE AND COOL
OcelotKat: AND MADE FOR REALLY
DRUNKEN ANTS
(Spell laughs, his head on his desk. CMoose
loses it.)
Ryan_the_Canuck: ONLY THEN I FELT A SPIDER
CMoose: HE'D ALREADY MADE A WEB
...
Wisey: SO I GUESS WHAT YOU SHOULD
NEVER DO
OcelotKat: GEORGE W.'S BROTHER’S NAME
IS JEB!
All: OH, IDY DIDY DIDY DIDY
DIDY DIDY DI!
CMoose: I FOUND MY PUBIS ITCHING
Wisey: GUESS WHAT THAT WAS FROM
(Spell laughs uncontrollably.)
OcelotKat: THE BEER HAD SHRUNK MY
PANTS
Ryan_the_Canuck: AND I HAD HAD SEX WITH
SOME GUM!
CMoose: IT WAS RIGHT THERE IN
PUBLIC
Wisey: EVERYONE COULD SEE
OcelotKat: I TURNED A DARKER SHADE OF
RED
Ryan_the_Canuck: IT WAS JUST CARPETAPPGRL
AND ME!
(CMoose throws his arms up, laughs
hysterically, and walks offstage quickly. Ryan_the_Canuck sits down, and Wisey
runs out of the studio. The music ends, with nobody singing the final “idys.”
The audience laughs uncontrollably.)
CMoose: Welcome to England ...
Ryan_the_Canuck: The land of polite
swearing.
(CMoose walks back to his chair, sits down,
and laughs a lot more.)
Wisey: ...enjoy your flight home
Spell: We'll be right back with
whatever the (overdubbed: ICN) is going to replace us with after this!
Don't go anywhere!
Spell: Welcome back to Whose
Line! Tonight's winner -- Ryan_the_Canuck! So the rest of us will have to do a
little game for you called Foreign Film Dub. So, Wisey and I will be
acting out a scene, but it will be in a strange foreign language. CMoose will
translate for Wisey, and OcelotKat will translate for me. So, can we have a
language to fake?
(A bunch of real
and fake languages are called out.)
Spell: Okay, Latvian. And, if you
were a major Latvian movie director, what would the name of your action film
be?
Wisey: Oh dearie me.
Female Audience Member: “He Stole My Bread”!
Spell: Okay ... "He Stole My
Bread," in Latvian.
(Wisey hammers something on a table.)
Wisey: PLIYA TAPPOR GUTTN DOFT
SNALLER ...
CMoose: I WISH I COULD GET MY
FINGER INTO THIS HOLE.
Spell: ZABADA BRUSCHT VALORI
TIPINSKY! (He paces around angrily.)
OcelotKat: THE DOCTOR TOLD YOU YOU
WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR GIANT FINGERS!
(Wisey suddenly looks down, surprised.)
Wisey: PONTANSICOL!!
CMoose: OH MY GOD! THIS WASN'T A
HOLE AFTER ALL!
Spell: DA? (He peers into the
hole.)
OcelotKat: REALLY?
Wisey: ZAGORA DANYALLA -- £12.99
-- GORFA DUSEN LANKA!
CMoose: YES, IT'S A LOAF OF BREAD!
IT HAS A HOLE IN IT AND YOU CAN SEE YOUR FUTURE THROUGH IT. ONLY LOOK INTO THE
HOLE IF YOU DARE, THOUGH! MANY BAD THINGS ARE INSIDE! LIKE VISIONS OF HAVING SEX
WITH CHEWING GUM! IF YOU GET YOUR FINGER STUCK, YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY £12.99
INSURANCE.
Spell: MARIKA! £12.99? I PERMALKA
VALORTA MAKARAKA LEMMINGSKY STRALSKY!
OcelotKat: I WONDER WHAT THE FUTURE
HOLDS FOR ME! £12.99? ISN'T THAT WHAT THE OLD BAKERY INTERN CHARGED TO GIVE
BREAD?
(Spell frowns at Wisey.)
Wisey: YEBOAH! HAN DAGEN LAREDAN
FARNEN ... HAGEN SPRAGEN ... VOLTSWAGEN ...
CMoose: WHO CARES ABOUT THE BAKERY
INTERN? SHE HAD A YEAST INFECTION, YOU KNOW!
(Spell tries not to laugh.)
Spell: VERSOOT! LAMANZE
TERIYAKSKY LOVA MERCINTY!
OcelotKat: SHE DID?! DO YOU THINK IT
COULD BE CONTAGIOUS, I'VE BEEN FEELING CRUSTY DOWN THERE!
Wisey: POLDARK SINSKY TROOBLEFURS
DINSKY LEWINSKY PARTTA GOLOR.
CMoose: NO, NO, NO! IT'S NOT CONTAGIOUS,
YOU DINSKY! MONICA LEWINSKY MAKES MY YEAST RISE FASTER THAN THAT, AND I'M NOT A
WOMAN. SHE STOLE THIS BREAD, THOUGH, BUT I GOT IT BACK. I WILL NOW SEE MY
FORTUNE THROUGH IT.
Spell: FORTUNSCHT? NO! POLASKI!
OcelotKat: GO FOR IT.
Wisey: KA DEIRTRY - ANTLERITIS!
CMoose: OKAY! I WILL! (He
pauses.) OH MY GOD! IT SEEMS I'M GOING TO BE REBORN AS RICHARD NIXON, THEN
CARPETAPPGRL, THEN I WILL BE CMOOSE! I WILL HAVE ANTLERITIS! OH NO! OH NO! OH
NO! WAIT A MINUTE, CMOOSE IS DEAD SEXY!
Spell: We'll be back with more Whose
Line, after these messages ... (He goes over and slaps the translators
as the screen fades out.)
Spell: Welcome back to Whose
Line! Tonight, we're going to have Wisey and CMoose read the credits ... And
you're going to read them as: Wisey is giving CMoose a tour of England. Thanks
for watching, good night.
CMoose: SO ... IS THIS WHERE ALL
THE GITS HANG OUT? PARLIAMENT?
Wisey: OKAY MR. I'M WITH THE BRIT
GIT ... LOOK! THE WHOSE LINE STUDIOS!
CMoose: THAT BUILDING HAS SPELL IN
IT!
Wisey: DON'T YOU REMEMBER? YOU'VE
BEEN UNDER CLIVE ANDERSON'S DESK MORE TIMES THAN I'VE HAD HOT DINNERS! BUT NOW
SPELL'S TAKEN OVER THE COMPETITION IN THE UNDER-THE-DESK DEPARTMENT.
CMoose: WHAT ABOUT THAT
RYAN_THE_CANUCK GUY? IS THAT STATUE OF HIM IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE IMPORTANT?
Wisey: HANG ON ... WHY IS THERE A
PAIR OF MINI ANTLERS ON TOP OF THE DESK?
CMoose: YOU MEAN CMOOSE?
Wisey: IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR
PIGEONS TO CRAP ON.
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©2002 Stephen Healey. PC: 296817-114